From the hearts, as it were....
So I have some people talking about asexuality and gender-fluidity.. Most people seem to think either these don't exist, or when I say I am such, that I am bullshitting or going through a phase. Others seem to react as though I were more than odd when I reveal this about myself. As such, I rarely do, but to be honest, I am rather sick of hiding a part of myself that is so prevalent, and in effect, hurting myself just to please other people, or make them feel more comfortable.
One of my friends admirably had the courage, recently, to say how they felt and thought, so I can, I hope, find similar courage to admit this about myself, as well.
First of all, I am going to say what gender-fluidity is, at least to me.
I rarely identify as being female, sometimes even when dressed as a female or effeminately, I do not identify as such. More often, I identify as being male, but usually, I identify as being both male and female, effeminate male, or neither female nor male. My gender identity changes a fair amount, too, sometimes. Sometimes I can go for months with being a male (that is to say, identifying as such), and sometimes, I can be male in the morning, and female in the afternoon, as an example. Gender fluidity is different from person to person, but you don't have to be transitioned to be gender fluid. To me at least, it means a fluid and changing inconstant state of gender identity.
Next, I am going to define what asexuality is, to me, at least. There are different types of asexuality, you have to understand, and it may differ from person to person, but I don't believe it is as varying as gender fluidity. For me, it means that I completely have no sexual drive or desire whatsoever, rather the opposite. I am also aromantic, which means that while I can love someone, I rarely have the urge or desire to get physically, intimately, or otherwise, close to them. For me, my attraction is not just on males, but rather on anyone, male, female, or otherwise, who I happen to like. To me, gender really isn't an issue, that's not what makes for caring for or liking someone. (Forgive me, as I have a hard time saying "love", the word feels awkward and wrong to me, somehow.) And to be perfectly honest, I think I lean towards more effeminate people, anyways (not females, necessarily). Not all asexuals are aromantic, and I believe, not all aromantics asexual. Just because someone is asexual, does -not- mean they are arelationship. Just because someone is aromantic does not mean they are arelationship.
Both gender and sexuality can be very fluid things, sometimes.
I have tried for so long to force myself to be sexual, to have feelings that I know are labeled "normal" and "healthy", to be like everyone else around me, and for a little bit, I thought that I had nearly succeeded. Until I started to choke and feel sick every time the subject of relationships was broached. Until people started lightly teasing, and I fully realize that this was perfectly normal, healthy, friendly teasing, about relationships, and how I must be seeing a boy, because I hang out with them, or how it'd be okay if I was gay, because I hang out with this girl I know all the time. I went along with it, laughing as I was supposed to, throwing back teasing remarks as I was supposed to. Until I ended up seeing someone, and I really liked them. I tried to be normal for everyone, and just suck it up. It's okay, they told me, you will be ready one day... So I kept waiting for the day when I would be "normal". But it never came and eventually I realized, I wasn't gonna be able to force myself to be like everyone else, if I kept trying, I was going to bend myself out of shape and break myself, so I had to stop pretending that I was what everyone else was, and let me really be me. I don't fit the same shape as everyone else, nothing here is cookie cutter, and I can't be "perfect", "normal" is really nothing in the end.
There are other issues with me, but to be perfectly honest, I have only ever told three people in the world about them, maybe four. Two of them online... This isn't something anyone will learn about me, most likely.
The more I typed this, the more my hands shook, until it became really hard to post this. I suppose that until now, I didn't even think that I was really going to post this, but I can't just keep pretending to be what everyone deems okay. For my own sake, I need to stop hiding, I think I was beginning to make myself sick with trying to be like everyone else. I can't anticipate the kind of reaction this will have/cause, but the alternative, staying silent, is slowly becoming unbearable.